MIRROR, MIRROR

When I look in the mirror I like what I see
I'm becoming more fond of who's looking at me
There's inner conflict but no push and no shove
I'm resolving my uncertainty with self-love
With God as my strength and healthy self-esteem
I'm becoming quite the powerful one-woman team
Always moving forward towards my goals
That stuff from the past doesn't nourish my soul

Don't want to send the wrong message or use the wrong tone
I don't believe I'm meant to do this alone
I'm patient with me and with getting a man
One thing I've learned: YOU CAN'T RUSH GOD'S PLAN
 I fully trust in God choosing my fate
I have faith that God knows for who I'll be a great mate
When I look in the mirror I love what I see
I'm becoming exactly what God planned for me to be.

You Are Good Enough

I love you. That's what I do.
There are no requirements, nor qualifiers, nothing special about you.
It's just who and what I am and has nothing to do with who and what you are.
You can be homeless, a drug addict or a celebrated star.
There may be things about you, behaviors you choose -
maybe some you don't, that you would rather lose.
I may dislike them but nothing can make you lose my love.
You can make it hard for me to love you, but hate I am above.
When God made me in a Godly image, as imperfect as I am, who am I to not display that character if I expect to achieve and receive all that I have coming to me.
So with that said, I love you and there's nothing you can do about it. 10/4/12

REMEMBER

I still learn something new everyday, and at my age I'm even relearning. I have gotten to a point in my life I longed for: to be able to forgive and forget. I used to hold grudges and not let people forget how they wronged me. I was doing myself just as much injustice as I was some undeserving people. 
I am thankful that I'm at this point. Now, I just have to make sure I don't do myself a different type of injustice. I'm so quick to forgive and move on that I often forget why I pulled away from someone or kicked them to the curb in the first place. We know when we lose we're not supposed to lose the lesson. That's essentially what I'm doing. So today I relearned that lesson. I have to remember how trustworthy I have become, mostly unto myself, and know that even if I can't remember why I kicked someone outside of the tight-knit circle, that I did so for a good reason and there must be significant, unquestionable change in their life and behavior before I allow them back across the line.

Unhealthy Diet of Overeating Junk Food

That junk you call yourself feeding me is not nourishing. It's no good for me. I can't grow on that stuff. It's not even tasty. Every now and then you used to serve up something delicious and remembering that has been tempting, but it has never been satisfying. It has always left me like people say Chinese food does them: I never got full. Sometimes it even made me sick to the point of feeling poisoned. I would have to stay away from you for long periods to get it out of my system. Then, like an addict I go right back to my love drug of choice: feasting on you. I finally subscribed to my own program to stop overeating.I know it's unhealthy for me. I can't imagine what is happening to your insides. It's really bad for the heart. You keep trying new dish after new dish, after new dish always thinking 'if you could find just one you like,' not even realizing that you can't be satisfied with just one because you have so many "tastes" in your system. You don't know which one was good for you. Even when you figure out more than one of the tastes you got was all you needed, you've already let good food rot. You didn't keep it hot, you let it sit around lukewarm until it got to room temperature and spoiled. Then you come back for it and wonder why it's bitter. Well, of course it's not going to taste the same. You nibble at it anyway because it looks the same on the outside, it hasn't really changed composition, yet by this time it knows it not your favorite dish by the way it keeps getting served. 
It's not that the meal is bad. It's not that it's unhealthy. It's nutritional, filling, and very good for you and conducive to your healthy growth. However, you've been spoiled by having a palette that isn't easy to please and when you decide you want a certain taste perhaps its already past its shelf life. You try putting it in a microwave with all that bad energy - it just comes out rubbery and you call it fake. You might put it over a fire and turn up the heat way too high trying to speed things up and when you overcook it you're mad that it's hard and tough. You can't even chew on it. So you leave it on the counter again knowing you're going to come back for it. If you only knew you could throw out the bad food and start all over with a new recipe and ingredients. But you're hardheaded. You don't listen. You want to do it your way. That's not how it works. Everything has instructions to follow, including being on a healthy diet.
I, myself, have changed my eating habits. I only use snacks for what they're for, and very sparingly. I keep them tucked way back in the pantry or cupboard in the dark where I can even see them so that I won't be inclined to reach for it. I'm feasting on what's good for me; food that will nourish, strengthen, and sustain me for the long haul, and tastes good, too. I'm not even into trying samples of new stuff without having done my research on it. I would love for you to start a new plan with me, but like all addicts, you have to detox when you're ready.
Like Tevin Campbell sang, I'm Ready...or LeVert, Baby, I'm Ready. Unfortunately for you, I'm serving a five course, gourmet meal that you probably can't even digest.

Dinner is served!

Icky Visage

So Nicky Minaj wants to support Rmoney for President, huh? Shaking my head at that poor child, the dumb porn star and countless other clueless beings he would love to put out of work because "they" are not his kind of people, but because they fall into a certain tax bracket or realm of idiocy, 'Repubican' is where they choose to stand??? God bless Americans, please...even those not born here.

Mustard Seed Faith Makes Dreams Come True

Obviously it was my destiny, but I had to claim it. 

I've been living in Southern California for over eight years now. Nine years ago about this time I had just visited LosAngeles, California for the first time ever. I felt so at home and literally dreamed I could live here one day. 

Guess what? Dreams come true. The dream became a real plan in only eight months. I dreamed of life surrounded by palm trees and a short drive from the beach a lot of my life, but it was only a dream. I dreamed of being an entertainer on stage in front of large crowds and on television. Now, I've done that, too. It doesn't matter that you don't know me or haven't seen me. It doesn't matter that I don't have a whopping amount of cash in the bank, drive a fancy car or live in a big home. That's not how I measure success and I'm still in the race. I am sustained. I don't have a car note. I am not homeless. I have promise. I have talent. I have an agent. I have faith. I have God! I'm not promised tomorrow so I'm making my proclamation today. I'm going to live it like it's my last - not by partying, having fun, or telling someone off who's wronged me - by giving my dreams what I've got, acknowledging that I'm living them and giving God the rest. I'm letting love and praise fill my heart, and positivity fill my mind.

I'm sorry this is so short, but my dreams await me.

Sometimes

Sometimes you want understanding and sometimes you don't even care. 
Sometimes you have it and other times it comes seemingly from nowhere. 
Sometimes you want to be alone and then sometimes you want someone to be there. 
Sometimes you can accept whatever comes your way, but sometimes things just don't seem fair.
Sometimes you want to quit but then you're almost there. 
Sometimes you're forced to stop and you feel like you're stripped bare.
Sometimes you think you've made it and there's one more stair. 
Sometimes this is how I feel and I just wanted to share.

Judgment Day is Everyday

As a children of God who want to live correctly in the eyes of the Divine, we must realize that we don't have to please people, nor do they us. We must daily renew and align ourselves. We should maintain a connection to our source throughout each day to stay in alignment. Our Heavenly Supreme is the only approval we need. Our obedience to God and the Holy Spirit is all that matters. That Spirit is inside each of us. Prayer and meditation are required for the connection.

We are all blessed with gifts and talents with which to do our assigned service. If you don't use the gift you aren't being obedient and you could lose the gift, but God is a God of many chances. We often let what others think or feel dictate how we use our gifts. God's righteous judgment is all that matters. God made us, God understands us, and we need to look for God in everything. If we don't see God, we need to represent God in that situation or look away. But let's not be quick to judge. Let us be discerning. Let us not think we know the whole story. Let us not worry about what others think. God is always at work. If God tells you to do something, be obedient and let the Divine perfect you. It may look crazy to others. It may look crazy to you. It may be a test and if so we know God will provide a ram in bush. Let us not grow weary in doing good. 
Remember this note: We must serve each other to please God, not please each other to serve God.

"Don't Be A Hard Rock When You Really Are A Gem"

I remember feeling really mistreated growing up. I never felt like I fit anywhere. I felt like that dull rock you can find on the side of any road, but I knew I was more than that no matter who believed it. Fast forward to young adult life which was a struggle in itself without the added childhood stigma that grew up with me. Inside was a great fight between who I looked like I was and what I really was to be. Without any real work ethic, experience, or a healthy mental state I started out learning how to maintain my own with an apartment in the projects. Now that's when I saw who I really was...in the women who were a lot like me. Some of us were working on bettering ourselves and getting out of there. Others possessed beauty and talent just the same, but didn't think they could do any better. Boy did I shine amongst some of those rocks. That's what makes it so easy for some to stay. They look really good around of bunch of people who are never going to go anywhere, aren't going to try to do any better or get anything more. But I wasn't comfortable shining amongst of bunch of dull rocks, because in the end, if I stayed there just because it was easy, I was still around too many dull rocks. Now don't get me wrong, please. Everyone has a different case and there are some who only sleep there because that's what they can afford. They may have too many children with no daddy but they leave for work and they dress themselves and their children neatly and respectably and get out everyday getting exposure to A Different World. Those people don't stay there forever. They have too much pride in what God made them to be to settle, no matter how long it takes to leave. I, like them would rather not shine there, but get out and observe the diamonds and how they stay polished and shine because on any day, I'd rather blend in with precious gems, than settle for just standing out amongst a bunch of unpolished rocks that just get kicked around by the system.

Fairy Tales

Most women are turned on by a man's appearance, the poetry of his words, or perceived personality, but half of them can't match a real man's mind with their own thinking...they wouldn't look beneath the surface of words & know how to stimulate the mind of a man who thinks. They wouldn't be patient enough to even dig in their own minds & know what they really like about the man or how to hold a real man's attention without their looks.
They want to be a part of a cheap, cheesy romance novel instead of the leading lady in a never-ending story: ...til death do we part.
Women forget what the "Princesses" with happy endings go through before they meet their sweet Prince. They rush to a hotel with a "suite prince" & end up in a dungeon of disgust because of lust. Fairy tales often include drama & conflict before you get to "and they lived happily ever after."
We ask the men what turns them on or what makes a woman appealing to them. They give us their answers & then the female turns around & says "well the man for me will accept me as I am!" THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T HAVE A MAN, NOW!
My heart really breaks for my sisters who think they have it so together, & who blame extrinsic circumstances when what they suffer from is internal conflict. 

Angel 7/25/12

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH

There's something terribly wrong when you have a large group of attractive, employed, single adults and no one can make a love connection. Of course, it's none of the singles fault they're single. Men only want sex & don't know how to treat women anymore. Women want to much, complain too much, and don't know how to take care of home & her man. Both sides sling poo & everyone is left stinking.
You attract what you are or what you think. Your mate is your mirror. Something about you is reflected in the type of people you attract, or the ones you're not attracting. 

I hate that most of my brothers & sisters don't want to hear what could help them. It's like they like being single. I don't know why we can't come together, listen to & accommodate the needs of our lovers, because we really do love each other. In spite of being scarred, underneath being scared, all we have to do is communicate & cooperate. We've gotten spoiled in this instant, do-it-if-it-feels-good, anything goes & it's-all-about-me society. We've gone through another sexual revolution yet many are still sexually frustrated because they're oversexed & have cum for brain fluid, or they are sexed less than they desire due to being single.
There's something wrong and no one wants to listen because YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
People just don't know anymore how to build & be in a relationship, and the benefits of it.

Crazy

It's a crazy emotional week for me...having to deal with projects ending is always emotional & lonely, but I got a major high before the low having my niece & her friends come to the play closing, & drinking & laughing w/them for two days; then I dealt w/some rejection - OUCH, my ego, lol - & then today I learned of the death of a close family friend, & the passing of a college acquaintance with who I share a legal name. It happens in threes so...

It's been one of those weeks I can't put my finger on & I even feel it in the physical, one of those feelings I've not felt in so long that I forgot it was the sign of chaos. I try to remove myself from or limit social interactions with people who might sense but not understand my 'off behavior'. However, it's a good chaos. I have some adjusting & accepting to do. I have moves to make. I have roles to play.
Remember the next time someone is acting strangely to you, rather than throw out an accusation regarding their behavior, realize that something deeper is going on within them.
 
Thank you, God, for helping me get to know myself, and because I know you I never fret or fear.

Sometimes you can't agree to agree to disagree.

Sometimes you both just know that only you right this time.

I stopped trying to understand you a long time ago. (laughing) I wanted to save you so badly. (shaking my head) I have so much love & concern for you, & wanted to be there for you when you made wrong choices, bad decisions & accepted less than you deserved. You were there for me so many times, rescuing me I just wanted to be the same to you sometimes; that's what love & friendship is about. Just as much as you, I wanted to be the hero sometimes, too. But we couldn't play that out because that would change the whole story: Never were you going to play the victim. Maybe even sometimes the villain, but otherwise the hero & not the captured. Caught by the consequences of behavior that you know better than. INSANE What did you think? What do I think? You know. Cause you think I'm who you talk about & me, I think you're the one.
We're both the same. We both want the same thing. We both need the same thing. That's love & neither of us will let the other give it.

070412

1640p

How you do dat dere?

I don't know how to be seeing someone that is seeing other people and I'm not seeing anyone else. I used to have the motto that I couldn't be one of yours unless you were one of mine. Now, I prefer to spend my time on one man at a time. Just because I'm interested in a relationship doesn't mean I'm interested in a relationship with every man I meet. I will talk to more than one man at a time but not become emotionally involved with more than one at a time. I don't think it unrealistic to desire someone who's not otherwise emotionally entangled with another, either, even if it is unlikely. 

It's just like friends who have sadly tried to convince me that I should accept the fact a man is going to cheat on me and to just be with someone. HUH??? If I'm not a cheater I believe there is at least one man out there for me who is capable of the same loyalty, and I'm willing to wait on him. If I'm romantically uninvolved forever, at least I won't have settled for or given the most precious gift I can give, to someone who's undeserving. That's also the best gift I can give to myself.

How did I not know about Johnny Lang???

I was on my way to perform in a play set in racially tense Alabama, in 1935. I was riding with a nemesis in the play and we saw the bumper sticker "No Whites, No Blacks, Just Blues." 

Without thought of that an eye opening conversation took place in the ladies dressing room before the play that shed light on the ignorance called racism that still permeates our peaceful society (at least I'm at peace,) and one of the many -isms, that drives politics. We all have something about us against which can be discriminated, so why race - something over which we have no control - still causes contention, I don't know. Of course, it was ALL LOVE amongst us sisters from different misters; we hugged it out til we could have had blisters.

No thought about it again until I was back in my insomniac state and this young gentleman who I saw in concert on TV months back, whose name I'd forgotten, was being repeated tonight: a Blues guitarist. He reminds me of Al Green if Al were a young, Caucasoid Blues guitarist. Johnny Lang has jammed with BB King  sang Stevie Wonder better than anyone else I've ever heard do Stevie except for Stevie. He has sung w/Michael McDonald, (yep,) loves James Taylor...well, anyway, my day has come full circle. My day started with disappointment but acceptance, then I experienced harmony, I stood up for peace, played disharmony, felt satisfaction, got high off elation, endured heartache, and ended with NO BLACKS...NO WHITES...JUST BLUES!

I'm so thankful for the A.R.T.S. (Actor's Repertory Theatre of Simi), How Great Thou Art, pun intended. Art is universal. Johnny Lang, thanks for making my night.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZwm8ffjn58

Hardheaded & Softhearted

Dang you for stopping me dead in my tracks from doing what I so famously do. ...from patrolling the perimeter of my heart, on guard putting on my scary personality to ward off anyone who DARE tries to come in & reside in more than a corner. It was only in the last year or so that I've actually realized I was doing this  (again) because I've become so good at it, I have myself fooled. Who do you think you are stepping up & calling me on it? What makes you think you have the right to provoke me to being more authentic, allow the real lovable me to show so more people will see? I don't know you like that! Only people who love me get that privilege, and not even all of them.

But I thank you.

I thank you for making me look me right in the heart and reminding me it's okay to feel & be me. 

I told you there was a greater purpose for this and I can't think of any more so than this...so far.

Nothing Gained, Nothing Lost

Nothing ventured, nothing gained but no investment means no loss.
Way too careful, must abstain, gotta let 'em know who's boss.
Maintain control, you can do this 'cause you know just what's the cost.
Losing sleep, never worth it - Just can't let the soul be tossed.
Way too many opportunities given & I must exhaust them.
Come upon way too many stoney rivers & I crossed them.
Everybody plays the fool but can't forget what lessons taught me -
Keep it moving, pressing forward, can't forget from where He brought me. 


Jess...an Angel
5/30/12

Out On A Limb

I went out on a limb. I sat there a minute. It held me, it didn't break. I walked back, smiling. I looked out to the end of the branch and a leaf had grown. I won't be afraid to go out on a limb again. ; D

I'm Jess...an Angel

THANKFULL

I thank you, God, for showing me exactly what I need to see.
I thank you, God, for making me exactly who I need to be.
I thank you, God, for loving me, and giving Christ who set em free.
I thank you, God, just because you are.

Through the storms & through the rain
You give me shelter, you heal my pain
All I endure is for gain
Because on the throne You remain--

I thank you, God, for you are good
Even when I don't do as I should
You strengthen me with every test
When I'm weary you give me rest

Through it all I know I'm blesses so
Thank You

Prophetic Love

Go ahead and give it up for me, give me a hand.
There's some things about me I need to make you understand;
As soon as you touch me your heart is going to melt
Because I'm the best thing you'll ever have felt.

My heart, my soul, my body, my mind,
My generous ways, you didn't believe woman was so kind.
I'm in the Golden State and I'm definitely a golden find
What can I say? It was only a matter of time.

I know you just met me so you think I'm blowing smoke
Even though I do comedy, this ain't no joke.
You been waiting to meet somebody like me all your life
You never even wanted to get married, soon you'll be trying to figure out how to make me your wife.

You'll buy the plane ticket and come across the U.S. of A.
You'll come for some sun, and some fun, and some play.
The activities won't stop: we'll go all night into day
All you'll be thinking is 'How can I stay?'

Then you'll owe me a standing ovation
I messed around and made you think about relocation
Spending all your time in contemplation...
Got a taste and can't let go; thoughts all in gyration.

I'm telling you what's gon happen; You don't believe it's true?
I'm not sayin' I'm not gon' fall in love with you, too.
By the time you figure out what I'm saying is true,
You'll be STUCK trying to figure out "What am I gon' do?"

Far fetched as it is, it's not as hard as it seems.
It's not just a notion - look in my eyes, see the gleam.
To have love in my life by some way or some means...
Until I actually meet you this is all just a dream.

I'm A Flirt...but I'm rethinking it.

Recently I've been rethinking my flirtatiousness. Sure, I know how to do it tastefully and even innocently in the friendly way that just makes a man feel noticed and appreciated for his efforts in self-care or for being a gentleman. However, not everyone looks at and takes flirting so innocently - they may think you really want them. Not everyone can leave it at it's flavor - they want to add even more spice and mess it up with unsavory and disrespectful behavior.

It's time to start looking at everything I do - every thought, every word, every action - as spreading seed. I don't want to waste seed. I don't want to plant seed in the wrong soil, either. I sure don't want to water any seed that's fallen on the wrong ground. Sometimes friendly behavior or compliments can be mistaken for flirtation. That's when we have to take responsibility for and examine our actions, be clear with our messages and maybe stop sending certain ones. By no means should we hold others responsible for our actions, nor hold their reactions against them without looking at ourselves first, and taking the opportunity to choose the right seeds to water, only after we make sure we've planted it in the right soil. Watch how many fewer weeds you have in your life.

PROJECT ME

I am coming into my own more and more every year. I'm getting to know me better and seeing where I shine, but more importantly seeing where I can make improvements. Actually, what's more important is that I act on what I see needs to be done. Stewing is worse than doing and right now this soup is scorched. I need to water done my life with some me time. Not me interacting with friends, but just me. I need to actively invest in myself like I used to do before I started giving me to the world in a way I would get little returns.

Frighteningly, this is causing me to go beyond accepting my truths into being so unashamed of the ugliness that I state and claim them boldly. That's the only way I can make the changes that will improve ME. I need to be selfish. I recently lost close contact with someone I valued deeply because of this selfishness and it hurts that she didn't see her own selfishness in wanting something from me I was unable to give at that time. Now I see that I can't value someone who won't allow me that freedom. If I'd been let go I was going to return, but because she didn't want to let me go, even though I came back the door wasn't open. I, out of love for my friend can appreciate that, but I now, out of love for myself accept that maybe, as beautiful as that friendship is, it must not be the kind of friendship I need right now. We are divinely given what we need at the specific moment that we need it whether we believe it or not. I accept that so that I can appreciate this journey and it's struggles that much more. It allows me to celebrate in spite of trouble. When I look at it life that I remember that I can still thrive through adversity.

I can rise above depression. I can use ADHD in my arts. I can beat anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder. Dyslexia allows me to improve my communication and understanding. I'm triumphing over the tragedies in my life as I rise. I'm learning to accept all about me and caring less about the people who can't in this world. Because I accept me, so does the world. Those who don't accept me don't matter in my world and those who love me will encourage me throughout my continued evolution.

I'm getting back to daily morning meditation and studying.

I'm getting back to morning walks and working out regularly.

I'm getting back to reading.

I'm getting back to regular writing.

I'm giving myself deadlines for my goals.

I'm getting back to me.

Thank you, Creator, for reinstating in my mind who and what you created me to be and do. Nothing else matters but what you've already lined up for me and I thank you for every pitfall, obstacle, valley, hill, disappointment and denial that is leading me to higher heights, the ladders to climb to them, pulleys that lifts me, the endurance and stamina to keep going, rest by the river of Living Water to quench my eternal thirst as I head towards that peak.

LOST IN SPACE

You know it's one thing to lose a few minutes or hours of time. Maybe you talked on the phone, watched television, listened to music or wrote a journal entry. It's something else to lose a whole day. Maybe you got sick or got stuck spending more time with someone than you planned, or you slept or worked around the house. How I lost the last week is completely beyond me. It't this way every time it happens. I haven't done anything worth mentioning or writing home about in a week? That's some fraggerknockle bull. It's not that I didn't have anything to do that would have been worthy and rememberable: I just didn't do it. I blame hormones...and I've been pregnant or premenopausal all my life...yeah, that's it. You buy it? No? Hmph...maybe it's my thyroid...too much radiation...lead paint in the made in China dishes I use to eat??? (You can stop reading anytime now. I'm going to keep looking for reasons I check out and forget to check back in for days.)

...my rechargeable batteries are losing the ability to recharge fully? I'm gonna go to the bank for some cash because I apparently need to buy a clue and I'm nowhere close.

May Day, May Day...but not the usual kind

May I have your attention, please? Ahem, thank you. I would just like to first thank you for taking time out to read what I have to say. Your time is valuable and I appreciate you using a moment of it to see what I have to say.
Hear ye, hear ye...I'm ready for love. I'm open and secure enough to consider allowing someone into my life. This has been a yo-yo of a decision as I'm happy single and choose not to pursue anyone, but I'm ready to trust myself with exchanging interest with someone. That means I allow myself to be vulnerable. That takes a lot of trust. I know people have to earn trust, but we first have to trust ourselves and I trust me. I recently explored having an involvement with someone who I found out wasn't worthy. I saw signs but because I'm emotional and have been prone to jump to conclusions, I had to dig deeper into my soul. I sought the counsel of the Holy Spirit that lives within me and I know I can trust my gut. When I got the confirmation that I needed that it wasn't worthy, I walked away from it just like that. I felt sadness. I cried for a minute; really, about sixty seconds I sobbed, and then it was all over. I felt nothing but strength after that. I love the person but I can't be in love with someone who doesn't love himself enough to give himself the best. I can't do a pessimist or anyone with hate in their heart. I even still think about him. All I can think is I hope he gets it together for himself because anyone I know, I want the to do and have the best they can. That's the true meaning of love - being completely unselfish. I loved this person enough to let him go. More than anything I let go of the need to control a situation over which I have none. I only have control over me, my thoughts, my feelings, and my behavior. I choose to behave in a way that will ensure that I, too, have what I want others to have: happiness.
I will dwell in happiness so that I attract happiness. I will look for the best in others but I won't overlook warning signs. I will not settle for less than respect, devotion, and adoration...and I'll be receptive when it shows up.

Love me,
Angel

My Cross to Bear

Everyone is born into this world with their own individual, blessed gifts. We simultaneously are bore with the sins of our fathers. As we grow we have access to different resources or tools to use and grow our talents and skills. Just as there are positives there is Opposition. Our environment and experiences shape our personality. No matter the privileges or disadvantages, we all have our crosses to bear.
My truth is not necessarily agreed upon by those who were there when I was young, or some of who have been there most of my life. I know with what I deal. A history of mistreatment, learning challenges, and a battle with an almost debilitating mental illness.
I'm thankful that God's hand was on me from the beginning. The word of God is sharper than any two-edged sword, and I needed it early in life because this cross that I must carry can propel me forward in some ways, and in others hold me back. I can be at the top of a mountain, and then fall to the depth of the valley. I don't always want to say or do the things I say or do, and definitely don't always mean them the way they are taken. Sometimes I don't even see that or why they have been taken in a different context than meant: remember, I'm sometimes the slow dingbat. The great thing is that I know when there's a battle between good and evil, good always wins. Thankfully, because of the Spirit of Jesus, I mustn't bear this cross alone.

I yearn, I hope, I fight despair.
I'm ADHD, dyslexic, and bi-polar. This is my cross to bear.

Still Dreaming, Still Awake

I'm just giddy this week...full of positive energy. I'm walking by faith, not by sight. I've come this far by faith and I don't believe God brought me this far to leave me. I could probably write an entire blog made up of gospel song lyrics and Bible scriptures.
When I was a little girl, no one could completely convince me that I wasn't destined to be a performing artist. However, no one could or would lead me in that direction to do it professionally and eventually I started thinking like a stupid, practical adult. Part of me was thinking, "nope, there's no way I'm ever going to get there." The stronger part of me, my soul, would cry and say "there's got to be a way. We can't give up." Bad circumstances and experiences weighed on me. I made bad choices which weighed on me even more...but God...and my faith - the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of things not seen... My dreams wouldn't die. There was no resting in peace knowing that there was more for me.
And now I've made contact with industry people I've secretly admired for years: names I saw in credits and remembered when I didn't even know if they'd be relevent when I arrived. My favorite soap star taught me the craft, one my favorite comedic writers and I correspond regularly on fb, and I've shaken the hand of THE casting director of all the Black shows and movies. That may be far from what countless others have done but it means the world to this girl...and I've only just begun.
Sometimes, only sometimes, this journey seems so lonely...but you, I know you're right there with me every step of the way. Thank you for joining me on my journey. I look forward to sharing more with you soon.

Does the name Swayze ring a bell? HA...I'm working side by side with Patrick's younger brother. GOD IS GOOD!

Full of It

Arrogance isn't the only we can be defined when we're full of ourselves. That, even though a false sense, is still at least a sense of confidence. Sometimes we're so full of ourselves we can't even see outside ourselves...and our own issues. It's also called selfishness, but this kind is usually symptomatic of the person that would give you anything because they love you. Wow...therapy paid off because I recognize that as co-dependency. People are so 'ascared' of therapy and counseling. You just don't know how much you can learn. Not only can you spot things in and repair yourself, but you can spot them in others and protect yourself...and when you've done all YOU can, you just stand.
I love the saying "you are as sick as your secrets." It's one thing to remain private; it's another to omit information out of fear of judgment. It ends up coming back on you in some form, but you're so caught up in your feelings you don't even realize that you put it out there in the beginning. What's even worse is you get mad, lash out, or don't want to talk about it if you're called on it.
I just love how since I began a new journey God has brought me up close and personal with people who undeniably possess the very traits that used to keep me from propelling to the heights for which I am destined. What's greater is I recognize them, acknowledge it in myself, and become even more aware when I repeat those self-sabotaging behaviors. To whom much is given, much is required. Greatness and success is scary and I have held myself back long enough.
It's time to ride into the Son Rise and reclaim what the devil has tried to steal...I just wish I could take more people with me.

Another chapter or two done. Time to start a new one.

Dreaming While Awake

It's weird that I've recently experienced one of the worst bouts of insomnia I've ever had but I'm experiencing my best dreams ever while awake.
I'm so spoiled right now. In spite of what minor obstacles try to block my 'pursuit of happyness', faith & perseverance prevail, and I couldn't be more blessed than to be doing what I love.
My "corporate" resume objective once upon a time said "...to work amongst a group dedicated professionals...yadda yadda yadda," but I had to leave corporate America to achieve it. I've gone from my first musical theatre production, as a principal, with an amazingly talented cast to being in a dramatic production of a classic w/accomplished professionals. It's truly an humbling opportunity. In spite of personal challenges, both casts are supportive...and this is only the beginning. I won't forget that To whom much is given, much is required. Lord, grant me strength.

Still A New Year To Me

I can't believe it's already near the end of April. All of the first quarter reports have been submitted & figured into the year's projections, & compared to last year's reports. Successess are not necessarily based on gains or losses, but what goals were set and if they were met. Goals are necessary in business & life planning.

We can agree that predictions are a lot more difficult to make in life, but we are aware of the quote "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail." In my life that never would have worked. I prefer the Benjamin Franklin quote, "By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.” When you know what you want out of life, you may not be able to plan the happenstance chances that can bring your desires to fruition, but you can put forth time & effort into doing things that will enhance you, or better prepare to go for a goal. For example, I'm an actress. I can plan to audition & get a part every day or every week, but showing up & feeling I deserve a part just because I'm there doesn't get me cast. Studying acting & training in my craft is what will increase my skill & ultimately prepare me to land a role.

With this in mind, my plans for the last few years have been to "get out there" & start auditioning...get on some TV shows & movies, even if I have to be background...an extra. I thank God sits high & looks low, and has plans for me that are greater than my own & that my faith does not allow me to shortchange myself. School, parenting, transportation, & other sorts of things I didn't have as much control over have interfered w/MY plans & I'm glad they have...BUT GOD...the closer I get to the MOST HIGH, SUPREME, CREATOR OF ALL THINGS ON EARTH, ABOVE & BELOW, my plans are more in line with what was planned for my life before I was born into this life. More substantially, I've always wanted to act &, I wouldn't have admitted it a few years ago but, also sing in a production, live or recorded. Last year while enrolled in my second Advanced Acting class studying Classical Theatre I was asked what I was doing this Spring. Seriously, in Spring 2011 I was asked what I was doing Spring 2012. Really? Really professor??? Well MY first response was "I know I'm going to be the hell away from here." But something quickly arose in my mind: I want to be acting! My plan, again, was to be auditioning & submitting for TV or movie roles...and serving in ministry with my gift. I asked a statement with an unspoken but audible period of ellipsis, "...unless you have a significant role for me to play worth staying around for?" In December when I finished that last class I would take at that school towards my B.A. in Theatre Arts/Acting, I had no immediate plans but God did: I just finished my first principal role in a musical theater production of Chicago...and I can't even really sing! ...but talk about the plans & preparation. I even broke my ankle a month in & couldn't start practicing blocking until two weeks before opening night...but I worked hard in those two weeks: I prepared.
Chicago has closed, time for me to move on...& I had no plans, but God...I'm now playing another great role in a classical piece of literature turned dramatic/cinematic great. Who knows what's next. I just hope I'm prepared.

Now when I look back at last year's reports & this year's projections, I may be off target but I've got lots of gains! HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ME!