My Cross to Bear

Everyone is born into this world with their own individual, blessed gifts. We simultaneously are bore with the sins of our fathers. As we grow we have access to different resources or tools to use and grow our talents and skills. Just as there are positives there is Opposition. Our environment and experiences shape our personality. No matter the privileges or disadvantages, we all have our crosses to bear.
My truth is not necessarily agreed upon by those who were there when I was young, or some of who have been there most of my life. I know with what I deal. A history of mistreatment, learning challenges, and a battle with an almost debilitating mental illness.
I'm thankful that God's hand was on me from the beginning. The word of God is sharper than any two-edged sword, and I needed it early in life because this cross that I must carry can propel me forward in some ways, and in others hold me back. I can be at the top of a mountain, and then fall to the depth of the valley. I don't always want to say or do the things I say or do, and definitely don't always mean them the way they are taken. Sometimes I don't even see that or why they have been taken in a different context than meant: remember, I'm sometimes the slow dingbat. The great thing is that I know when there's a battle between good and evil, good always wins. Thankfully, because of the Spirit of Jesus, I mustn't bear this cross alone.

I yearn, I hope, I fight despair.
I'm ADHD, dyslexic, and bi-polar. This is my cross to bear.

Still Dreaming, Still Awake

I'm just giddy this week...full of positive energy. I'm walking by faith, not by sight. I've come this far by faith and I don't believe God brought me this far to leave me. I could probably write an entire blog made up of gospel song lyrics and Bible scriptures.
When I was a little girl, no one could completely convince me that I wasn't destined to be a performing artist. However, no one could or would lead me in that direction to do it professionally and eventually I started thinking like a stupid, practical adult. Part of me was thinking, "nope, there's no way I'm ever going to get there." The stronger part of me, my soul, would cry and say "there's got to be a way. We can't give up." Bad circumstances and experiences weighed on me. I made bad choices which weighed on me even more...but God...and my faith - the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of things not seen... My dreams wouldn't die. There was no resting in peace knowing that there was more for me.
And now I've made contact with industry people I've secretly admired for years: names I saw in credits and remembered when I didn't even know if they'd be relevent when I arrived. My favorite soap star taught me the craft, one my favorite comedic writers and I correspond regularly on fb, and I've shaken the hand of THE casting director of all the Black shows and movies. That may be far from what countless others have done but it means the world to this girl...and I've only just begun.
Sometimes, only sometimes, this journey seems so lonely...but you, I know you're right there with me every step of the way. Thank you for joining me on my journey. I look forward to sharing more with you soon.

Does the name Swayze ring a bell? HA...I'm working side by side with Patrick's younger brother. GOD IS GOOD!

Full of It

Arrogance isn't the only we can be defined when we're full of ourselves. That, even though a false sense, is still at least a sense of confidence. Sometimes we're so full of ourselves we can't even see outside ourselves...and our own issues. It's also called selfishness, but this kind is usually symptomatic of the person that would give you anything because they love you. Wow...therapy paid off because I recognize that as co-dependency. People are so 'ascared' of therapy and counseling. You just don't know how much you can learn. Not only can you spot things in and repair yourself, but you can spot them in others and protect yourself...and when you've done all YOU can, you just stand.
I love the saying "you are as sick as your secrets." It's one thing to remain private; it's another to omit information out of fear of judgment. It ends up coming back on you in some form, but you're so caught up in your feelings you don't even realize that you put it out there in the beginning. What's even worse is you get mad, lash out, or don't want to talk about it if you're called on it.
I just love how since I began a new journey God has brought me up close and personal with people who undeniably possess the very traits that used to keep me from propelling to the heights for which I am destined. What's greater is I recognize them, acknowledge it in myself, and become even more aware when I repeat those self-sabotaging behaviors. To whom much is given, much is required. Greatness and success is scary and I have held myself back long enough.
It's time to ride into the Son Rise and reclaim what the devil has tried to steal...I just wish I could take more people with me.

Another chapter or two done. Time to start a new one.

Dreaming While Awake

It's weird that I've recently experienced one of the worst bouts of insomnia I've ever had but I'm experiencing my best dreams ever while awake.
I'm so spoiled right now. In spite of what minor obstacles try to block my 'pursuit of happyness', faith & perseverance prevail, and I couldn't be more blessed than to be doing what I love.
My "corporate" resume objective once upon a time said "...to work amongst a group dedicated professionals...yadda yadda yadda," but I had to leave corporate America to achieve it. I've gone from my first musical theatre production, as a principal, with an amazingly talented cast to being in a dramatic production of a classic w/accomplished professionals. It's truly an humbling opportunity. In spite of personal challenges, both casts are supportive...and this is only the beginning. I won't forget that To whom much is given, much is required. Lord, grant me strength.

Still A New Year To Me

I can't believe it's already near the end of April. All of the first quarter reports have been submitted & figured into the year's projections, & compared to last year's reports. Successess are not necessarily based on gains or losses, but what goals were set and if they were met. Goals are necessary in business & life planning.

We can agree that predictions are a lot more difficult to make in life, but we are aware of the quote "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail." In my life that never would have worked. I prefer the Benjamin Franklin quote, "By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.” When you know what you want out of life, you may not be able to plan the happenstance chances that can bring your desires to fruition, but you can put forth time & effort into doing things that will enhance you, or better prepare to go for a goal. For example, I'm an actress. I can plan to audition & get a part every day or every week, but showing up & feeling I deserve a part just because I'm there doesn't get me cast. Studying acting & training in my craft is what will increase my skill & ultimately prepare me to land a role.

With this in mind, my plans for the last few years have been to "get out there" & start auditioning...get on some TV shows & movies, even if I have to be background...an extra. I thank God sits high & looks low, and has plans for me that are greater than my own & that my faith does not allow me to shortchange myself. School, parenting, transportation, & other sorts of things I didn't have as much control over have interfered w/MY plans & I'm glad they have...BUT GOD...the closer I get to the MOST HIGH, SUPREME, CREATOR OF ALL THINGS ON EARTH, ABOVE & BELOW, my plans are more in line with what was planned for my life before I was born into this life. More substantially, I've always wanted to act &, I wouldn't have admitted it a few years ago but, also sing in a production, live or recorded. Last year while enrolled in my second Advanced Acting class studying Classical Theatre I was asked what I was doing this Spring. Seriously, in Spring 2011 I was asked what I was doing Spring 2012. Really? Really professor??? Well MY first response was "I know I'm going to be the hell away from here." But something quickly arose in my mind: I want to be acting! My plan, again, was to be auditioning & submitting for TV or movie roles...and serving in ministry with my gift. I asked a statement with an unspoken but audible period of ellipsis, "...unless you have a significant role for me to play worth staying around for?" In December when I finished that last class I would take at that school towards my B.A. in Theatre Arts/Acting, I had no immediate plans but God did: I just finished my first principal role in a musical theater production of Chicago...and I can't even really sing! ...but talk about the plans & preparation. I even broke my ankle a month in & couldn't start practicing blocking until two weeks before opening night...but I worked hard in those two weeks: I prepared.
Chicago has closed, time for me to move on...& I had no plans, but God...I'm now playing another great role in a classical piece of literature turned dramatic/cinematic great. Who knows what's next. I just hope I'm prepared.

Now when I look back at last year's reports & this year's projections, I may be off target but I've got lots of gains! HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ME!