Hardheaded & Softhearted

Dang you for stopping me dead in my tracks from doing what I so famously do. ...from patrolling the perimeter of my heart, on guard putting on my scary personality to ward off anyone who DARE tries to come in & reside in more than a corner. It was only in the last year or so that I've actually realized I was doing this  (again) because I've become so good at it, I have myself fooled. Who do you think you are stepping up & calling me on it? What makes you think you have the right to provoke me to being more authentic, allow the real lovable me to show so more people will see? I don't know you like that! Only people who love me get that privilege, and not even all of them.

But I thank you.

I thank you for making me look me right in the heart and reminding me it's okay to feel & be me. 

I told you there was a greater purpose for this and I can't think of any more so than this...so far.

Nothing Gained, Nothing Lost

Nothing ventured, nothing gained but no investment means no loss.
Way too careful, must abstain, gotta let 'em know who's boss.
Maintain control, you can do this 'cause you know just what's the cost.
Losing sleep, never worth it - Just can't let the soul be tossed.
Way too many opportunities given & I must exhaust them.
Come upon way too many stoney rivers & I crossed them.
Everybody plays the fool but can't forget what lessons taught me -
Keep it moving, pressing forward, can't forget from where He brought me. 


Jess...an Angel
5/30/12

Out On A Limb

I went out on a limb. I sat there a minute. It held me, it didn't break. I walked back, smiling. I looked out to the end of the branch and a leaf had grown. I won't be afraid to go out on a limb again. ; D

I'm Jess...an Angel

THANKFULL

I thank you, God, for showing me exactly what I need to see.
I thank you, God, for making me exactly who I need to be.
I thank you, God, for loving me, and giving Christ who set em free.
I thank you, God, just because you are.

Through the storms & through the rain
You give me shelter, you heal my pain
All I endure is for gain
Because on the throne You remain--

I thank you, God, for you are good
Even when I don't do as I should
You strengthen me with every test
When I'm weary you give me rest

Through it all I know I'm blesses so
Thank You

Prophetic Love

Go ahead and give it up for me, give me a hand.
There's some things about me I need to make you understand;
As soon as you touch me your heart is going to melt
Because I'm the best thing you'll ever have felt.

My heart, my soul, my body, my mind,
My generous ways, you didn't believe woman was so kind.
I'm in the Golden State and I'm definitely a golden find
What can I say? It was only a matter of time.

I know you just met me so you think I'm blowing smoke
Even though I do comedy, this ain't no joke.
You been waiting to meet somebody like me all your life
You never even wanted to get married, soon you'll be trying to figure out how to make me your wife.

You'll buy the plane ticket and come across the U.S. of A.
You'll come for some sun, and some fun, and some play.
The activities won't stop: we'll go all night into day
All you'll be thinking is 'How can I stay?'

Then you'll owe me a standing ovation
I messed around and made you think about relocation
Spending all your time in contemplation...
Got a taste and can't let go; thoughts all in gyration.

I'm telling you what's gon happen; You don't believe it's true?
I'm not sayin' I'm not gon' fall in love with you, too.
By the time you figure out what I'm saying is true,
You'll be STUCK trying to figure out "What am I gon' do?"

Far fetched as it is, it's not as hard as it seems.
It's not just a notion - look in my eyes, see the gleam.
To have love in my life by some way or some means...
Until I actually meet you this is all just a dream.

I'm A Flirt...but I'm rethinking it.

Recently I've been rethinking my flirtatiousness. Sure, I know how to do it tastefully and even innocently in the friendly way that just makes a man feel noticed and appreciated for his efforts in self-care or for being a gentleman. However, not everyone looks at and takes flirting so innocently - they may think you really want them. Not everyone can leave it at it's flavor - they want to add even more spice and mess it up with unsavory and disrespectful behavior.

It's time to start looking at everything I do - every thought, every word, every action - as spreading seed. I don't want to waste seed. I don't want to plant seed in the wrong soil, either. I sure don't want to water any seed that's fallen on the wrong ground. Sometimes friendly behavior or compliments can be mistaken for flirtation. That's when we have to take responsibility for and examine our actions, be clear with our messages and maybe stop sending certain ones. By no means should we hold others responsible for our actions, nor hold their reactions against them without looking at ourselves first, and taking the opportunity to choose the right seeds to water, only after we make sure we've planted it in the right soil. Watch how many fewer weeds you have in your life.

PROJECT ME

I am coming into my own more and more every year. I'm getting to know me better and seeing where I shine, but more importantly seeing where I can make improvements. Actually, what's more important is that I act on what I see needs to be done. Stewing is worse than doing and right now this soup is scorched. I need to water done my life with some me time. Not me interacting with friends, but just me. I need to actively invest in myself like I used to do before I started giving me to the world in a way I would get little returns.

Frighteningly, this is causing me to go beyond accepting my truths into being so unashamed of the ugliness that I state and claim them boldly. That's the only way I can make the changes that will improve ME. I need to be selfish. I recently lost close contact with someone I valued deeply because of this selfishness and it hurts that she didn't see her own selfishness in wanting something from me I was unable to give at that time. Now I see that I can't value someone who won't allow me that freedom. If I'd been let go I was going to return, but because she didn't want to let me go, even though I came back the door wasn't open. I, out of love for my friend can appreciate that, but I now, out of love for myself accept that maybe, as beautiful as that friendship is, it must not be the kind of friendship I need right now. We are divinely given what we need at the specific moment that we need it whether we believe it or not. I accept that so that I can appreciate this journey and it's struggles that much more. It allows me to celebrate in spite of trouble. When I look at it life that I remember that I can still thrive through adversity.

I can rise above depression. I can use ADHD in my arts. I can beat anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder. Dyslexia allows me to improve my communication and understanding. I'm triumphing over the tragedies in my life as I rise. I'm learning to accept all about me and caring less about the people who can't in this world. Because I accept me, so does the world. Those who don't accept me don't matter in my world and those who love me will encourage me throughout my continued evolution.

I'm getting back to daily morning meditation and studying.

I'm getting back to morning walks and working out regularly.

I'm getting back to reading.

I'm getting back to regular writing.

I'm giving myself deadlines for my goals.

I'm getting back to me.

Thank you, Creator, for reinstating in my mind who and what you created me to be and do. Nothing else matters but what you've already lined up for me and I thank you for every pitfall, obstacle, valley, hill, disappointment and denial that is leading me to higher heights, the ladders to climb to them, pulleys that lifts me, the endurance and stamina to keep going, rest by the river of Living Water to quench my eternal thirst as I head towards that peak.

LOST IN SPACE

You know it's one thing to lose a few minutes or hours of time. Maybe you talked on the phone, watched television, listened to music or wrote a journal entry. It's something else to lose a whole day. Maybe you got sick or got stuck spending more time with someone than you planned, or you slept or worked around the house. How I lost the last week is completely beyond me. It't this way every time it happens. I haven't done anything worth mentioning or writing home about in a week? That's some fraggerknockle bull. It's not that I didn't have anything to do that would have been worthy and rememberable: I just didn't do it. I blame hormones...and I've been pregnant or premenopausal all my life...yeah, that's it. You buy it? No? Hmph...maybe it's my thyroid...too much radiation...lead paint in the made in China dishes I use to eat??? (You can stop reading anytime now. I'm going to keep looking for reasons I check out and forget to check back in for days.)

...my rechargeable batteries are losing the ability to recharge fully? I'm gonna go to the bank for some cash because I apparently need to buy a clue and I'm nowhere close.

May Day, May Day...but not the usual kind

May I have your attention, please? Ahem, thank you. I would just like to first thank you for taking time out to read what I have to say. Your time is valuable and I appreciate you using a moment of it to see what I have to say.
Hear ye, hear ye...I'm ready for love. I'm open and secure enough to consider allowing someone into my life. This has been a yo-yo of a decision as I'm happy single and choose not to pursue anyone, but I'm ready to trust myself with exchanging interest with someone. That means I allow myself to be vulnerable. That takes a lot of trust. I know people have to earn trust, but we first have to trust ourselves and I trust me. I recently explored having an involvement with someone who I found out wasn't worthy. I saw signs but because I'm emotional and have been prone to jump to conclusions, I had to dig deeper into my soul. I sought the counsel of the Holy Spirit that lives within me and I know I can trust my gut. When I got the confirmation that I needed that it wasn't worthy, I walked away from it just like that. I felt sadness. I cried for a minute; really, about sixty seconds I sobbed, and then it was all over. I felt nothing but strength after that. I love the person but I can't be in love with someone who doesn't love himself enough to give himself the best. I can't do a pessimist or anyone with hate in their heart. I even still think about him. All I can think is I hope he gets it together for himself because anyone I know, I want the to do and have the best they can. That's the true meaning of love - being completely unselfish. I loved this person enough to let him go. More than anything I let go of the need to control a situation over which I have none. I only have control over me, my thoughts, my feelings, and my behavior. I choose to behave in a way that will ensure that I, too, have what I want others to have: happiness.
I will dwell in happiness so that I attract happiness. I will look for the best in others but I won't overlook warning signs. I will not settle for less than respect, devotion, and adoration...and I'll be receptive when it shows up.

Love me,
Angel