You Win Some, You Lose Some: Nobody's Perfect

Today I lost a game of Freecell. 

I have never lost (on this computer) before because there's always the opportunity to undo every move made throughout the game, to go back to the beginning and start over. That was fully my intention in the game I lost except there was a power surge that restarted my computer. The possibility of undoing my moves to more perfectly play the game and WIN was lost. There was nothing I could do. I could not undo the power surge. Now I can't change my statistics. I am up to over 400 games and have not lost anymore, but no matter what my stats say I have only won 99 percent of my games (on this computer).  I will never be at 100 percent. I did not lose a game - in my mind I just didn't get the chance to get a do-over.  I did not forfeit my opportunity to go back and replay the game. A power not in my hands, not in my control, skewed my score. Every time I play, every game I win I am going to see the results at the end of it that say I have only won 99 percent of my games. Even when I get another computer or if I reset the results of the game, I know I lost a game. Even more when I look back to the very first games I played on a dinosaur computer from long ago.

That's life. 

You do not get to undo your actions, take back your words, and sometimes it is not the result of your actions that cause you to be rated less than you think you deserve but only what can be seen after the result of another action: that power out of your control that sum up the judgments people make about you. You know the truth - you know there are usually as many truths as parties involved plus the real truth. In the truth of this matter and IN REALITY THERE IS ONLY ONE TRUTH. No matter how you look at things there is only one. I can look at it as "it is not my fault there was a power surge that kept me from going back and playing a better game," but THAT IS LIFE. We are not in control of nature nor in control of the nature of anyone or anything that might interfere with the results that we are trying to achieve. We are not in control of the hand or the people we are dealt, we just have to play along knowing a wrong move can mess those results and there is nothing that we can do to change it - we can only keep playing. The only truth is that I did not and often do not play a perfect game - I usually just have the opportunity to erase my bad moves and in the end no one other than me and Jehovah God are any the wiser. We can pretend that the bad moves we make in life that are not seen by others or not mentioned by us don't exist, but they do. Even if we deny them it doesn't make them go away. We can be better because of them if we only admit them to ourselves and become wiser from them. When we hide those moves or do not face them we are doomed to repeat them and eventually our imperfections are exposed. There is always that power that is greater that knows. Even if you don't believe in THAT POWER it exists in you because we all were created from that power. It may be dormant  or dead in us but it is there. 

The good thing is we have choices and on what we focus is what expands. We can focus on the mistake or we can focus on our wins and future moves. We can expect that sometimes things happen out of our control and be better prepared to deal with them because we know they happen. It doesn't make you negative to expect the possibility of the unexpected and to be prepared for it. It makes you wise. It only makes you negative if you lie or never try. It makes you negative if you approach the game waiting for the unexpected or thinking you are going to be defeated. 

We are all winners! ...and sometimes we are losers. Nobody is perfect, just play the game to win and don't dwell on when you lose. Play as if you know you will win. Love like you have never been hurt.  Dance like no one is watching. 

Never give up! Celebrate your wins! Learn from from your losses. THAT POWER is always working in your favor for good.

MIRROR, MIRROR

When I look in the mirror I like what I see
I'm becoming more fond of who's looking at me
There's inner conflict but no push and no shove
I'm resolving my uncertainty with self-love
With God as my strength and healthy self-esteem
I'm becoming quite the powerful one-woman team
Always moving forward towards my goals
That stuff from the past doesn't nourish my soul

Don't want to send the wrong message or use the wrong tone
I don't believe I'm meant to do this alone
I'm patient with me and with getting a man
One thing I've learned: YOU CAN'T RUSH GOD'S PLAN
 I fully trust in God choosing my fate
I have faith that God knows for who I'll be a great mate
When I look in the mirror I love what I see
I'm becoming exactly what God planned for me to be.

You Are Good Enough

I love you. That's what I do.
There are no requirements, nor qualifiers, nothing special about you.
It's just who and what I am and has nothing to do with who and what you are.
You can be homeless, a drug addict or a celebrated star.
There may be things about you, behaviors you choose -
maybe some you don't, that you would rather lose.
I may dislike them but nothing can make you lose my love.
You can make it hard for me to love you, but hate I am above.
When God made me in a Godly image, as imperfect as I am, who am I to not display that character if I expect to achieve and receive all that I have coming to me.
So with that said, I love you and there's nothing you can do about it. 10/4/12

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH

There's something terribly wrong when you have a large group of attractive, employed, single adults and no one can make a love connection. Of course, it's none of the singles fault they're single. Men only want sex & don't know how to treat women anymore. Women want to much, complain too much, and don't know how to take care of home & her man. Both sides sling poo & everyone is left stinking.
You attract what you are or what you think. Your mate is your mirror. Something about you is reflected in the type of people you attract, or the ones you're not attracting. 

I hate that most of my brothers & sisters don't want to hear what could help them. It's like they like being single. I don't know why we can't come together, listen to & accommodate the needs of our lovers, because we really do love each other. In spite of being scarred, underneath being scared, all we have to do is communicate & cooperate. We've gotten spoiled in this instant, do-it-if-it-feels-good, anything goes & it's-all-about-me society. We've gone through another sexual revolution yet many are still sexually frustrated because they're oversexed & have cum for brain fluid, or they are sexed less than they desire due to being single.
There's something wrong and no one wants to listen because YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
People just don't know anymore how to build & be in a relationship, and the benefits of it.

Sometimes you can't agree to agree to disagree.

Sometimes you both just know that only you right this time.

I stopped trying to understand you a long time ago. (laughing) I wanted to save you so badly. (shaking my head) I have so much love & concern for you, & wanted to be there for you when you made wrong choices, bad decisions & accepted less than you deserved. You were there for me so many times, rescuing me I just wanted to be the same to you sometimes; that's what love & friendship is about. Just as much as you, I wanted to be the hero sometimes, too. But we couldn't play that out because that would change the whole story: Never were you going to play the victim. Maybe even sometimes the villain, but otherwise the hero & not the captured. Caught by the consequences of behavior that you know better than. INSANE What did you think? What do I think? You know. Cause you think I'm who you talk about & me, I think you're the one.
We're both the same. We both want the same thing. We both need the same thing. That's love & neither of us will let the other give it.

070412

1640p

Hardheaded & Softhearted

Dang you for stopping me dead in my tracks from doing what I so famously do. ...from patrolling the perimeter of my heart, on guard putting on my scary personality to ward off anyone who DARE tries to come in & reside in more than a corner. It was only in the last year or so that I've actually realized I was doing this  (again) because I've become so good at it, I have myself fooled. Who do you think you are stepping up & calling me on it? What makes you think you have the right to provoke me to being more authentic, allow the real lovable me to show so more people will see? I don't know you like that! Only people who love me get that privilege, and not even all of them.

But I thank you.

I thank you for making me look me right in the heart and reminding me it's okay to feel & be me. 

I told you there was a greater purpose for this and I can't think of any more so than this...so far.

Out On A Limb

I went out on a limb. I sat there a minute. It held me, it didn't break. I walked back, smiling. I looked out to the end of the branch and a leaf had grown. I won't be afraid to go out on a limb again. ; D

I'm Jess...an Angel

May Day, May Day...but not the usual kind

May I have your attention, please? Ahem, thank you. I would just like to first thank you for taking time out to read what I have to say. Your time is valuable and I appreciate you using a moment of it to see what I have to say.
Hear ye, hear ye...I'm ready for love. I'm open and secure enough to consider allowing someone into my life. This has been a yo-yo of a decision as I'm happy single and choose not to pursue anyone, but I'm ready to trust myself with exchanging interest with someone. That means I allow myself to be vulnerable. That takes a lot of trust. I know people have to earn trust, but we first have to trust ourselves and I trust me. I recently explored having an involvement with someone who I found out wasn't worthy. I saw signs but because I'm emotional and have been prone to jump to conclusions, I had to dig deeper into my soul. I sought the counsel of the Holy Spirit that lives within me and I know I can trust my gut. When I got the confirmation that I needed that it wasn't worthy, I walked away from it just like that. I felt sadness. I cried for a minute; really, about sixty seconds I sobbed, and then it was all over. I felt nothing but strength after that. I love the person but I can't be in love with someone who doesn't love himself enough to give himself the best. I can't do a pessimist or anyone with hate in their heart. I even still think about him. All I can think is I hope he gets it together for himself because anyone I know, I want the to do and have the best they can. That's the true meaning of love - being completely unselfish. I loved this person enough to let him go. More than anything I let go of the need to control a situation over which I have none. I only have control over me, my thoughts, my feelings, and my behavior. I choose to behave in a way that will ensure that I, too, have what I want others to have: happiness.
I will dwell in happiness so that I attract happiness. I will look for the best in others but I won't overlook warning signs. I will not settle for less than respect, devotion, and adoration...and I'll be receptive when it shows up.

Love me,
Angel

Be who you are, but always challenge yourself to be better!

We all are who we are, where we are, WHY we are because of something or someone that already was...and it's not always our choice; BUT it is our choice to stay that way, to get worse, or to do better...and what WE choose to do today, with WHO choose to associate, and HOW we choose to react to that which we don't choose is all up to us.
Be blessed, be loved, and definitely give love.
I'm Jess an Angel

What defines you?

Since I'm asking you it's only fair that I answer, also. If someone asked me that question, I'd have to say what defines me is my loving & joyful nature...and hope that you haven't seen me when I was having, uh, you know... "one of those days". I'm having one today. While I can attribute the feelings to any one of my life's issues, I know I can still have joy "in spite of" my issues... except for one issue so gripping only drugs can bring a euphoric joy until the hormones decide to level themselves back out. "I'm starting to feel like a dungeon dragon! Rrrrah, rrrah!" If you remember or have seen "I'm Gonna Git You, Sucka" you already have a visual for how I feel right now.
My car needs work I can't afford to get because I haven't worked since February. I'm saving for the repairs & then June 16 came & I thought, "My boo-boo's 10th birthday! What a milestone...&I can't take him anywhere or do anything really fun w/him." I couldn't even get him a decent cake because I can't walk or ride my bike w/a 1/4 sheet cake & ice cream, but Super T & Pepperidge Farm came to the rescue. He seemed happy & told me the only thing that would have made it better was if I'd played Wii with him. HOW CAN YOU DENY A KID like that??? So, today I awoke deeper in my PMDD, feeling all those feelings about all my issues that I can so easily just leave with the Lord 2-3 weeks out of the month, & it hit me: forgot a car, forget my temporary feelings about temporary issues. If I or my son died today, I'd want him to have at least one toy - and not a toy that I can afford but A TOY THAT HE WANTS for his 10th birthday...and since I don't have work outside of the home, for now, we could play Wii all day if he wanted.
Having spent two-car-parts-worth on one of only three toys he asked for, while I sit here in my rocking chair & cry until my 'regular guest' comes, I can smile at the sounds of my second only-child playing by himself with his new toy, and look forward to riding my bike & walking for the next month or so. Hey I live in So Cal! Seriously, I'm happy to walk!
So, yes, loving & bringing people joy is what living this life is all about for me. I just gotta keep learning along the way, & never forget to give thanks & praise to the giver of the gifts of love & joy!
I'm Jess...an Angel